Dreams and Thoughts

and the fun is gone

with christmas brewing along

soon enough i'll be in asia

having fun

and after that

i'll be at washington

and then back at asia

i thought that i would never miss you

but this pain i feel

tells me that I must look forward

and around me

this is me

this is me.

Uncle Benny was a great happy uncle. He was the uncle that changed my life and my family’s life. The smile you see all the time on my face was officially created by him, I also became the angel with the heart of happiness. I have learned to be positive throughout my life, have a sense a great sense of humor, and most importantly smile, for it makes your life much better. Unfortunately, he died in World Trade Tower 1 on 9/11/01 at the young age of 34. I dedicate this essay to him and his happiness. Thank you for making me and my family smile and be much happier. R.I.P. Uncle Benny.

♚

I have hate brewing in my mind.

I never wanted to be this type of person. One that would hate a family member - no let's make that family members. In my mind, my mother had raised me the right way. She taught me morals, she taught to never give up, she taught me to be nice to elders, she taught me to never be selfish and even better, she taught me to be a respected one - one that will never be looked down upon.

My mother would always be my mother - but it is also the same for my mother's younger of her older brothers' and his family. His wife (my aunt), his children (my cousins): it is amazing on how I have developed so much hate for them. For the rest of my family, I have loved with out due respect: for them, it's the other way around. Each action or movement they make makes me more irritated, and even more glad that I had parents that taught me well. I now would look to the sky as if I was looking for the solutions to the struggles and troubles I'm having with my uncle and his family. I would stare at it long, I would be fixed there, but no answer would reach me. Even if I wished, the heavens seem to be looking down on me telling me that I have the answer right in front of me or the fact that it will never be solved. I sigh in the silence and I wait - even though I know that answer will not come for me yet.

You might be thinking, what kind of struggles or troubles am I having at home? Of course, I have having many conflicts that will soon develop the hate I was having towards my cousins. From big to little actions, all pertain to their hate. From the father who can't really take care of his child along with his wife that says that she's fat and yet still eats so much; to the youngest who says that she must have a jacket even though it's not winter time and to the older daughter who is a bit more understanding but can't really wake up in the mornings and have temper in the mornings. What a family. He is my uncle: hating him should not be allowed, but of course, my feelings subside and my hate develops. He has been the closest to me for he moved here first for my dad employed him. He would go back to his home in New York ever so in a while to visit the family he has there. For the rest of the time, he's here at our house where we gave him a room and a restroom inside our house. He was fine for the while, every time he goes back to New York, everything at home becomes normal and my family would do ordinary family things such as go out for some family adventure. It was great when he was gone, we did our best to cherish that short time before he came back. He is a hard worker, no doubt about that, but since he was incapable of speaking english or even finding a stable job, he relies on my dad for the money. My dad tries his best not to let my uncle be on minimum wage, but all of my dad's job needs to have the basis of the language english and yes, this is America after all where the most common language is english. My uncle moved because of my aunt - she and her sister wanted to move to the US since she wanted to be in the "land of the free". Of course, they all knew no english, only little money could be made - so much for the US to be the "land of the free" for them when their ability of english is o' so small. Being forced here, my uncle looked for jobs, he went back to China to start some other companies such as a soy sauce company and a jar company. But both of those companies had to be cut off for he wasn't making enough money. He leaves the company and a large property to his friends; he comes back to the US hopeless and in debt. Ever since his second daughter was born, he kept her in China and didn't go back to the US till 4 years later ~ 4 years in which the daughter didn't see her mom or older sister. He spoiled her until he had to borrow money from his parents almost every week. Whatever the daughter wanted, he got; wherever she wanted to go, he went. He created his daughter into the spoiled brat, the girl who talks back to elders, the girl who is selfish and greedy. And amazingly enough, he did this all alone in just 4 years. His wife can be yet another story. She herself was a lady who loved luxury and had a high elegant taste for modern society. US was her escape and gave her bragging rights to tell the people back in China that : "hah! US is fabulous and you don't even own an inch of it!" Really, she didn't deserve such a thing, she also did not really know how to take care of her child and spoiled her own, not as much as her husband though. During the day, the whole family would usually wash every cup they use ~ for my cousins, they would leave the cups and dishes there waiting for their mother to come over, wear gloves and wash them diligently. When she is at the supermarket with her children, she would again buy whatever they want and yet again have bags and bags of junk food when they come home. Our own pantry is now stocked with the newest junk food that our family would never eat. Usually our pantry had almost nothing in it, but now, it's stocked with the junk food they enjoyed. The older of the two daughters is one of the most understanding of the family members, but she does have the traits that her mother and father gave to her. She is blantly..dirty, she shares the same bathroom with me and my brother and she just doesn't clean up. Yes, you do have hair that falls out when you comb our hair and what should happen after you comb your hair? YOU SHOULD PICK IT UP. Oh my did I have the occasion where I look at the floor and be disgusted of its image. And the youngest one - the full spoiled brat that contained 2 faces. She would give you the look that represented an angel and the next, she would show you the face of the devil. She was spoiled by her father, who of course is her superior spoiler. Watching them together makes the scene even worse since you could see the spoiling already beginning to take place. Every action, every word, every glance here and there indicated something. Never had I hated the foundation of this family more than now.

On the other hand, there is also another reason why I despise this part of the family. Staying at our house, even if you are a family member means that you have to at least help our family with chores or just pay the rent. We (my family) is paying the bills, and of course, the cost increases. With just one extra person in the house, your bill goes up plenty and all of the money goes to them for it is a necessity. Now with a whole family over, doesn't that just boil to my excitement that our bills have increased tremendously and they are doing nothing to contribute to our rising bills? Not even rent was paid and the whole family doesn't just take up one room. They decided to take up my brother's real bedroom along with my bed - the older of the daughters sleep on that bed. Food that is needed for them to eat is also not included. My mom now has to cook for a family of 8 than the usual family of 4. Random items and needs were added to the basket. My family fears of losing money and having them not pay us at all. The wife who has no money at all and the husband who only earns around 13,000 a year, how can we get money from them? Plus, let's add the time when my uncle decides to drive my dad's brand new truck into a fence and completely rip off its mirror only to have our family pay for it. I don't care if he is my uncle, but hell, you don't even have money to own your own car let alone your own house?!? During this whole time, my mother is of course very nice to them, acting as if our bank account is fine and that my father's company is doing excellent. Unfortunately none of that is happening. Economy has been acting up, my dad's company goes crazy - my dad is planning to just close the company altogether and just save his other company first. Our family is going through a crisis and they had to come in at such a time. I swear that if they don't find some quick money or get some loan that their family is going to pull down my dad's company and my family's life as well. And I'm angry because of that. I hate how their family operates, I hate how they are using our house and taking advantage of our money. I hate how they give me no privacy to even do my homework or even have my own free time. I hate, I hate, and I hate.

If only there was an end to all this and they are wiped away will I feel at ease.     

and the wind grows on you

soft tallows of the feather float with the breeze

your sorrow left behind your eyes

glued to the center  

of her own problems

once again,

i saw that smile

you held within your heart.

up above the clouds,

i saw the night sky

slowly beckoning me

to reach for the stars above.

lost eyes

stared at them

my eyes, swelling up

i thought of the past, the sad past

wind began to blow into the open area,

sun shining softly, i wanted to stand there forever,

i turned as the sun peeks from the clouds once more,

i walked back,

my steps silent,

my memories within,

forever.

"Love is like playing piano. First you learn the keys, then you learn the rules, then you play by what's in your heart." - anonymous