15 posts from 2007

This is not December, well it doesn't feel like December. I'm at my backyard, fanning myself as I watch sun and rain pass by. Sitting on my patio chair, I sigh as I think about the weather we are in right now. It feels like summer but with a cold front. Not good, I was supposed to be in the mood of putting Christmas stuff up...unfortunately  I wasn't in the mood.

These days, I have been downloading much music. And again do i worship Korean/Japanese boy bands.

Bands:

Big Bang: WOW, I never thought that I would like their music so much. I was ecstatic when I heard their new album and watched their new Music Videos.  I first had information from them from a friend in college which I would also thank for introducing me to Epik High :D awesome band and Clazziquai XD again another awesome korean band!

DBSK/TVXQ: the korean pretty boys in my world @_@ i'm completely obsessed with them...well actually its a competition between them and Big Bang since they are both equally hot yet DBSK is more "pretty" :P

and others that I am not interested in typing at the moment.

wow what a pointless post

sorry guys x_x

I am different not because I want to be popular

it is because I want to be unique.

I have fob hair not because I want to "get" boys

it is because this is my favorite hairstyle.

I don't wear purses not because I don't have one

it is because I personally think that carrying purses are a hassle.

I don't carry money on myself not because I am poor

it is because I wouldn't think that I would be spending money on that day.

I don't wear makeup not because I don't have any at home

it is because I was too lazy to put it on.

I don't wear Hollister, Abercrombie & Fitch, or Express not because I don't want to fit in

it is because I have my own personal style.

I go out and date not because I want to be seen as a flirty girl that is out of control

it is because I want to be experienced and know the type of guy I want before my marraige hits.

I speed without my license not because I want to feel the thrill of the ride 

I speed because I need to get somewhere quickly.

I have gay and bisexual friends not because I am weird

it is because I care about them as much as my straight friends.

I cry not because I want you back

it is because I regretted being with you.

I don't draw just because I am a good artist

it is because I need to relieve some stress from my body.

I listen to emo music not because I am emo

it is because I am inspired by them.

I have visions not because I want to control you

it is because I can't control what are in my dreams   

I am me

because I want to be me.

To due of respect, you have probably found out that I don't like to openly say my thoughts to other people, I like to write my thoughts.

If that is the newest thing you have discovered about me then you know what, you don't really know me well.

Well anyways, on with my wonderful blabbering:

Today my parents finally decided to buy a macbook for my brother. I wasn't overly excited, well it's quite obvious because it would not be mine, and not just that, it is the fact that my little brother wants it because of "DEBATE". In "DEBATE", the laptop he has now is supposedly too slow and has too little battery life. We first thought of putting more memory into the laptop; even if the laptop programs worked faster, my brother complains: "it has to be faster!!" After the huge complaint does my dad asked, "ok what do you want huh?" and then my little brother goes: "a macbook."  And then off we go to memorial city mall and then to their lovely apple store. Half of the time I was with them, I was basically getting mad and angry realizing how easy it was for my brother to get a macbook! Really that's not asian parents style - asian parents wait till laptops or any other electronics are the cheapest to buy them - but today nooo, my parents are not really acting like asian parents. They said that it was a necessity for my brother to have this laptop. I replied with a gawk on my face. My brother let's say is a tech guru, he knows so much about computers and laptops and etc., etc., that it is really amazing. And in that little mind of his, I was pretty sure that he was dancing his pants off because he was getting a macbook that would suit his needs. I scoffed at him, I promised my parents and myself that I would get the best apple laptop when I go off to college, and look at my brother now, carrying his new macbook with a happy grin on his face. At the store, my brother knew about the education discount you get if you are in high school or college; and guess what he forgot his - his reinforcement, me. I stared as he and my parents beg me to give them my ID, I mean, we even ran to the car just to check if his ID was in the car, and guess what, goody Gloria just had to have her ID. Again we ran back to the Apple store, it was supposed to close in minutes -yay?. Hoping that they have already closed, yeah it didn't, we ran in right when they were closing the door telling the "apple" people, "Hey! We want a macbook!" As we stepped in, my parents tell my to get out my ID so we can have the education discount - I decided to feel selfish - This is really not fair, with using my ID card, we save 100 dollars on the new laptop for my brother - not me. If I didn't bring my ID, we would be having no education discount for this laptop - my brother left his ID at home after all : it should have been his responsibility to bring this ID of his, if I didn't come on their roadtrip, my brother would be the one panicking that he can't get his macbook today. Soon enough, my parents gave me the "your ID means everything to us" look, I was horrified. Looking away, I gave them my school ID - and guess what, I was pissed: really really really pissed. I shut my mouth and struted around the store silently, the store was closed but still, I walked around like a customer. Finally, an Apple "dude"- yes that's what I call them, comes up to me and asked me if I needed to buy anything because the store was closed. I looked up and explained to him that my parents are buying a macbook - I pointed to the counter - and then I smiled. He looked at the counter somewhat relieved and said "oh". I began going around the store again, waiting for my parents. 15 minutes passed and we left the store and while we were in the parking lot, my mother broke out. My dad was worried on how I was, why I looked so pissed. My mother yelled back at my dad-so loud that I can also hear-saying that it was because the macbook was for my brother and that they didn't bother to give me one. And then she said that I was selfish and that I will turn into a really selfish person one day. Hearing that, my bubble finally bursted, my silent self couldn't stand it anymore, I was furious inside out. I finally spoke saying how it was unfair that my brother got a macbook rather than any other brand laptop - he had to get one of the best laptops working out there and he didn't even need to beg. How about the rest of the kids in debate? - they don't all have a macbook, and they don't complain about the laptops they have now. As time passed, my mind finally sprouted another idea, the fact that I will work for my ibook - yes i wanted an ibook - or whatever 2 years will bring from apple that seems to be the best laptop from them. I will work for it, I will endure horrible test, quizzes, and exams. I will do all of my homework and I will study and not procrastinate. Basically the apple laptop has become my bait for college - and I will do whatever it takes to go to that level. Unlike my brother who just complained for one, I will keep up my GPA and try to look for my better future. You must be wondering why I don't want my ibook now, hah funny question. What will I do if Apple really makes some new improved Apple laptop in the next two years - wait a year and a half? If they do then the ibook that I will have now will look crappy to that laptop and yes the feeling of crappiness will come from me and soon enough, I will throw that ibook away and buy the new improved laptop. Great ehh? Yeah I'm that kind of person, be surprised. Plus not just that, another reason why I don't buy my ibook now is that if I do get it, I will realize that the laptop is sooo easy to get from my parents and probably not try so hard to get the laptop in less than a week. If that happens, then I really have ruined myself. With that, I will not be working hard, life will be easy. I will not be studying, I will not do my homework, I will not even think about school, I will just think about me and my macbook. And funny enough, college will not be on my mind, I will be a ruthless girl skipping here and there getting spoiled by parents and living the life of a very idiotic Gloria Fan. I don't want to the spoiled asian girl getting whatever she wants, I want to be the girl who works and earns what she wants. Easy enough said right? So yes I am mad about the macbook and at my brother and gladly vox let me cool off my ongoing mad steam. yay yay yay yay yay.

I'm beginning to study for my final exams. I am at the point where I decide not to procrastinate anymore. And I'm guessing that that's a good thing. yay?   

I lay on my bed, the soft autumn wind blow through my window. My curtains rise and lower with the wind and I watch as the minutes go by. It's night, and I am still not asleep. I check the clock, it's 12 midnight and everybody in my house is already sound asleep. Falling into my bed once again, I could feel my restless heart beating so quickly just thinking about the chances at life I could have. Throughout my life, I desired to major in english. I loved english, it was always my best subject. Through days and days of thinking, I decided to go to the university with the best english department in the US. Finally I found the university.  I planned to go to the University of Minnesota at Twin Cities - it is the dream college I would like to go. I would start fresh and entirely new, it would be like starting a new life. I begin to wonder and wonder more about my future life, I just can't believe it! I was excited!! I could feel my senioritis kick in immediately. I began to smile and closed my eyes once again. I was happy; I planned out my future and basically the rest of my life. I hugged my blankets close to my chest and began to drift to sleep.

And I was pretty sure that I was excited for my future, just like everyone else.

It is obvious that the weather is changing; but it won't stay for long. Only a week or so, the weather will once again go back to the heat and humid air. I do my best to enjoy the weather while it is still here. Walking outside, the chill of the breeze would make me smile, the warmth inside my jacket makes me feel the beating of my heart. I walk the cement path around the lake: once, twice, thrice, and again and again. The wind blowing my hair here and there, my toes feeling a bit numb, my hands snuggled into the pockets of my jacket, a smile upon my cold face. A runner or biker would pass me, I smile, they smile. Reaching home when it got dark, I stared at the darkness outside my window. Feeling the cold chill from outside, I begin to remember my memories when I was little. Those precious memories of my childhood.

I still remember those nights that were so cold that I would have my whole body cold even after there are 3 quilts covering me. I would spread so many quilts on me that I would have to scrunch my legs up to my body when I slept. I slept next to the window, and even if there were towels stuffed under the window latches, the wind still escaped. I would wake up each morning colder than ever: I would have to find a jacket just to walk up to my bathroom, and brush my teeth. The tile on my bathroom would be cold to my feet; I didn't wear slippers when I was little, I was too lazy to keep up with them. Looking at my closet, I know that I would have to dress warm. I carefully picked out my clothes and dress quickly. The rest of the day would pass by, and this happens for not just days or weeks but months. I always loved that weather, there is just that one small hint of warmth that I will always know and love.

Feeling the chill, I know that that hint has come back and will be gone before I will fully greet it. I sit in the darkness waiting for that hint to be with me once again.

This is the time when the wind begins to pick up and the green grass around you flows evenly with it. You are amazed; it is a magical moment to see such thing happen. You sit on that empty field; it's only you, the grass, and the wind. You close your eyes and begin to lay down. You don't want to open your eyes: it's too peaceful to open your eyes. You begin to drift into unforgettable sleep until all of the sudden the winds roar and the silence is gone. For some reason, you still didn't want to open your eyes: you are scared of what is happening. You can feel the sky turn black; a chill ran down your skin. "What happened?" you ask yourself with your eyes still closed. All of the sudden as the wind roared, you feel some sort of liquid drip onto your skin. You touch the floor with your bare hands and begin to stand up, with your eyes still closed. The rain fell silently, your ears begin concentrating to the sounds of the rain drops: when it falls and when it meets with the ground. With your hands in front of you, you begin to open your eyes so cautiously. You realize that you are in a different world; the field was gone, you are in a black area, you cannot see anything beyond your skin. Your heart starts beating a little faster, you get frightened. You begin to close your eyes again; you think that you are dreaming but once you open your eyes again, you aren't where you thought you were. You were at home once again. You look at your alarm clock, it was only 4 in the morning. Flopping onto your pillow, you begin to wonder what the dream's meaning was. You lay awake, pondering over what the dream's meaning was. You don't freak or scream, you lay there calm and confused. You lay awake until the morning sun breaks through the horizon. You wonder about your dream. What a confusing dream.

Days pass by silently. It starts with a restless morning, then an unappetizing brunch, then a sleepy afternoon, then a kick-in-the-ass night that never ends. These days, I either sleep way too much or I wake up in the middle of the night when my house is silent except for the hum of the refrigerator. I sigh on those days realizing that these days are unknowingly ticking by. 

When I sleep too much, I always wake up to be some zombie; I act all weird - as if I don't know how to write or even speak. This has happened when I was a young girl; sometimes when I go to school, I would automatically write with my left hand and then all of the sudden I will realize that I'm right handed. There are some other days where all of the sudden I can't spell and that I cry unexpectedly at home like as if I'm at some funeral. Yet when I wake up to my own artificial alarm, I can't believe why I even wake up at such times. Am I mental? What woke me up? Am I okay? Such questions always fill my head up in the middle of the night after I wake up. I worry so much that I can't even fall asleep and be afraid of the body I'm in. I soon sleep with fear in my soul; uneasy, uncomfortable and unstable.

I do wonder: where does a person soul go to when the body sleeps and regenerates? Does the soul also shut its own eyes and regenerate itself? Where do dreams come from? Does your own soul look for a dream or a nightmare that will affect your whole body when the body wakes up? For my whole life, I have been dreaming for at least twenty five times every year. When I wake up the next morning, I always record it in my notebook of dreams and I wonder: why did I dream of this dream? Sometimes the dreams are realistic and actually happen in the realistic life. Some are very futuristic and while others are tragic. Blurred images from my dreams will repeat in my mind over and over again like as if it had some importance. I question myself about the image and I will be seriously out of it just because of that one dream I had last night. More and more nights pass by like as if it was a stopwatch seeing how long I can handle my life. For some nights, I lay awake, afraid of what will happen when I close my unpredictable eyes.

Every once in a while, I would look up at the clouds in the sunny skies or the stars in the endless dark of the night and wish that I could understand why. Why do I have these dreams or awkwardness? Am I suppose to realize something? 

Am I another being when my body sleeps?

By far, I never got an answer.

Days of silence passes through me. Nothing special comes up; it's the regular test, quizzes then homework. The weather barely changes; it's the same hot sun beaming down on my dry skin. I would like a cool breeze to blow over me; I would like my hair to fly with that breeze and let my skin underneath chill. The clouds stand still in both the day and night. Lonely stars gleam in the darkness of the night. I sit and wait for the muted signal, a soft breeze from nature.  

Resident_evil_extinction1

It's pretty funny when I think about it. While I was watching Resident Evil: Extinction, I realized how cool Alice was. I mean she was like a very sexy skilled assasin; she was slicing those zombie heads off, shooting bullets away at their heads, kicking, punching, jumping, and doing whatever it takes just to kill those zombies. Man, do I wish i can fight like her! Or at least be a super-human like her! I remember telling myself after that movie," You will never be like her in real life! If there were really zombies coming at you, I would rather do suicude!" But overall, I thought that it was a great movie and I do hope that a fourth one comes out because I will be expecting it.  

"Who cares if you fall down, it only matters if you can stand back up."

I don't want to admit that i'm falling for someone. Because really, I told myself to stay single for the rest of high school.

Being single is fun: you have bunches of freedom, you don't have the hassle in being in a relationship and, you seem more flirty than usual....and much more. Yet being in a relationship is also fun: you have someone who loves and cares for you, someone who will fight for you and always be by your side, and have crazy fun with each other. I remember those times.

I have talked with him before, a few giggles, a few pokes. I would walk pass him, and he would laugh. I would continue teaching and he would come up in this untimely manner saying,"Hi teacher!" I would smile, and I would never forget that one moment. I drove him home for 3 times, we went to random resturants, we would take his dog walking, just the two of us.

and I can never get over the fact that he's younger and taller than me.

I have no idea what to do..

I contain the slightest recognition to what I want to be in the future. I never wanted to be exactly one thing, in fact I wanted to be multiple things. Over the summer, I offered myself choices on what I could be in the future. I had elaborate choices from being a designer to being a teacher to being a news reporter and there was this one choice that I picked at, the chance of being a singer. I remember shaking my head at this choice, impossible, untimely, preposterous. Yet I remember my family back at China telling me that I had a nice voice and that I can really write songs that can express my feelings and emotions. My words to them were considered "deep" and sometimes "sorrowful".

I came back to the US with that choice completely deleted, I didn't care no more; I thought, when the time comes, I will randomly pick something that I like. That feeling completely disappointed me. I remember my older, mature friends saying that I have to pick something that I am willing to pursue in my life. These days I had been looking into my designer choice; I sighed again as I realized that I don't do well with needles. How about interior design? I shook my head and I walked out of my room. As you can tell, I never wanted to succeed in the math and science criteria. Even though my dad was a biochemistry professor for six years and had a great passion for his science, I never got into science. Math was also another weakness of mine. I never liked evaluating problems. For three years now, I realized that I only had an interest in the art field. It was either pursuing in English or design or something that might be out of my reach....singing.

You might realize that yes I had been playing the violin for over ten years. But in the beginning of this school year, I quit and I want to admit that no it wasn't because I didn't like the teacher. She was nice and she pushed me to practice. The reason I gave to everyone was that I didn't have time. I was partially right. I never had interest in holding the violin by my shoulders and playing it with a bow. I never took violin seriously. I didn't play an instrument because I knew that my voice was incapable of singing with the melody or because I knew that my instrument can hide my voice. I played the violin because I was a lover of classical music. But as these years passed, I decided to start planning for my future. Unfortunately, violin was not in my criteria. With that, I realized that I wasted those years playing the violin, something that I didn't want to pursue in. But I thought of it another way, by playing the violin I became more independent, prompt, and organized. I also found friends that helped me across the path of life. I was grateful.

I don't want to say that I am splendid in singing. I don't want to say that singing is the way to go for my life. I don't want to say that I want to become a singer just because I wanted to be popular. I never wanted to say those kinds of words. To me, singing was a way to release some emotions that are trapped in my fragile heart. Probably many don't know this, but I cry easily. My grandmother foretold of the fragile cage I have in my body. The solution I had discovered was actually the key to release those dark emotions. I was surprised, I never thought that I could sing. I thought that my voice was a fragment of what I didn't like with my body. I never knew that I was wrong in so many ways. I started singing one day when there was no one at home, only peace and silence. I sat looking out my window, the clouds were slowly passing, the sky was clear; it looked like the perfect day. And I sang. I sang with words I thought I could never produce in such a short amount of time; my heart was beating slowly, I followed some certain tempo I had in my head. My voice was so sweet, I thought that it was a miracle that I could produce such sound. I tried again, and that same voice came out. It was amazingly beautiful.

 I thought that my opinion for my voice was wrong. I thought that that voice will only happen on that day, it will never come back. I tried out my voice with my friends; they were shocked, and they paused telling me that that voice was amazing. I shook my head. I didn't believe them, so I brought my voice to my parents. They loved my voice, but I knew that inside their heart that they must be hiding something. I mean they are parents, they have to like whatever their child did. I shook my head again and thought of my voice unbelievable and disgusting. It was only until today after I sang to myself a song about life that I began to think about my voice once again. It wasn't slightly disgusting; I was surprised.  

Until now, I still hold the burden that my future will be unrecognized until the last minute. I am jealous of those that already made a decision and are successful in the trials of their life. I wish that I will be like them one day, but it will never happen. The person I have made today is confused, lonely and burdened. I tried to pull open those doors of opportunity, but instead I stand in the dark, unknowing if I really want to walk that path. It hurts when I discover what has held my heart so firm throughout my past. Until now did I realize, it was an unknown future.